Earlier this year, before summer's heat took hold of the northern hemisphere, we were told that the Arctic Ice would melt away this summer. The northern seas would be wide open, we were promised, and polar bears would start dying off.
I regarded this as a solemn promise, coming as it did from individuals so reputed for accuracy and reason. I was promised an Arctic melt-off this summer, and I planned my entire season around a lack of ice at the North Pole. Now, it turns out that this is bullshit, as all the other environmentalist predictions - coincidentally - have been. There was no great Arctic melt-off. In fact, the ice cover was greater this summer than last summer!
That's three months of my life gone to shit because environmentalists couldn't predict that a sponge would get wet if immersed in water. All my plans revolved around an ice-free Arctic, and it didn't come close to happening. Environmentalists are now, by my count, 0 for 437, and if they miss too many more predictions I am going to stop trusting them.
But what I really want to know is, which douche bag was responsible for this so that I can sue his biodegradable, earth-friendly, sustainable, made-from-recycled-spotted-owl-piss ass right off.
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