Central Ohio Household Registers 100% for Ron Paul

With both members reporting, the A______ household today announced that Ron Paul, Republican candidate for president, had taken the household with 100% of the vote. In what is being called an overwhelming landslide, the half acre property in a Columbus suburb bucked recent trends and registered resounding support for the Texas Congressman.

“It’s absolutely phenomenal,” Campaign Chairman Kent Snyder was quoted as saying. “It demonstrates how powerful the message of freedom can be.”

But David Axelrod of the Obama campaign highlighted what he called a “strong performance” from his candidate. “Obama finished a close second in a home where no one expected him to do well. He’s a liberal welfare tax-and-spend Democrat with a boundless desire to regulate anything that moves. And there are no African-Americans in the household. Falling just two votes shy of the winner in a house like that demonstrates Barack’s broad appeal to Americans from all walks of life, even those who think his politics suck. I don’t think that Ron Paul can just take the house for granted in the future.”

Exit polls indicated that Congressman Paul had made an early impact in the household, getting 100% of votes from those who made up their minds to vote for him within three seconds of his announcement that he was going to run.

“America needs a change,” an anonymous voter from the household told reporters. “The other candidates just offer more of the same.”

The A______ residence is an ethnically diverse central Ohio abode, with exactly two thirds of all residents claiming some Native American ancestry. The rest is northern and western European. One third work in the medical field and one third are Spanish interpreters. With an unemployment rate of 33.3%, there was initial speculation that Ron Paul’s economic message may have helped to influence the votes until it was revealed that the unemployed of the household were too young to vote and had only just learned to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without getting half of it on their faces.

A closer look at the numbers revealed how deep and broad was the support for Dr. Paul in the residence. The Pittsburgh native had a 100 point advantage over rival John McCain among those voters who viewed the War in Iraq as extremely important. This same advantage was maintained among voters who viewed the economy as important, were concerned about gun rights, disliked socialized medicine, hated the income tax and expressed doubts about whether Mike Huckabee had a penis.

Spokesmen from the other campaigns immediately downplayed the significance of the win.

“It’s a fucking three-member family,” Chairman Terry McAuliffe of the Clinton campaign asserted. “We don’t give a good Goddamn which way they vote.”

Officials from the Obama and McCain campaigns were quick to point out that the household had not been apportioned any delegates.

“I hadn’t even heard of them before,” admitted former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, who withdrew from the race Tuesday night. “I know for a fact that they are not in the Bible.”

While conceding that the vote would play a small role in the current campaign, the Paul camp pointed out that the current demographic trends indicated the household could be a major player in the near future.

“They’re set to increase in population by 33.3% over the next two months alone,” said Snyder. “At that rate, by the 2016 presidential elections, the A______’s will have a population of 2,985,391. Six years after that it will exceed the population of the rest of the planet. We’re talking about the future of American politics here.”

Aides from the other campaigns were quick to give it their own perspective.

“Even if these trends continue, in the 2016 elections the household will still have only two voters,” said a Clinton team member on condition of anonymity. “The other 2,985,389 will still be minors. I don’t care if they have a billion kids, with an immigration rate of zero they still have only two voters in 2016, making their importance, in terms of American presidential politics, only slightly greater than that of Narnia.”

Narnian officials did not immediately return calls for comment.

Scientists also expressed caution with regards to the Paul camp’s estimates, citing evidence that Mrs. A______’s uterus was unlikely to sustain such an output in the long term.